Newly Separated from Your Spouse? Do These 5 Things Right Away

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If you’re reading this through tears or tension, you’re not alone. Separation feels like a tornado — but here are five things that will help steady you

Being recently separated from your spouse isn't easy. It might be the end of the world as you know it, but it's the beginning of a different world.

Sometimes that means a focus on recommitting to a stronger, healthy relationship, and sometimes it brings a brand new life without your spouse. Either way, these tips truly will be a great start to either one. 

Maybe separating from your spouse was your idea.  Maybe not.

Feeling paralyzed? Overwhelmed? Did you take a hit to your self-esteem? Don't know what to do? Wondering how you will survive a trial separation?

You're not alone.  Breaking up, being separated from your spouse, and soon to be divorced, is scary. It's a change, no matter whose idea it was. The key is to keep moving forward.

Start here to get your footing — or at least fake it well enough to make it through the week.

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So you've separated from your spouse? Now what?

First, take a deep breath. Sounds silly, but you can do this. If you can continually focus on "what's my next step", the steps will come more easily. Not easy, but that one foot in front of the other is the only way forward.

The old joke..."How do you eat an elephant?" One bite at a time. Big steps and small ones are all the same, one at a time.

So let's jump in. This is how I was able to make it through what turned into a trial separation for my husband and me. We certainly didn't know it at the time. We thought it was all over for good. But our outcome, or even yours, isn't the point. The point was to make it through each day to be in a better place for me.

🧠1. Take Care of Your Body and Brain

Your mood, your brain, and the people around you will thank you. 

Movement

If you don't already work out in some way, find something.

Walk, run, bike.

Online workouts, the gym, and indoor stay-at-home workouts.

Yoga, pilates, and tai chi are other forms of movement that can for your physical and mental strength.

To enhance your workout, try flexbands to kick it up a notch without getting crazy.

Something fun I tried recently was a weighted hula-hoop. Maybe it's dancing.

Do what works for you.

I wrote this for teens, but this list of over 50 ideas will get you moving.

Need more motivation?  Consider these...

• The fact that you'll look and feel good will be sweet revenge, catch someone new, or breathe life back into your marriage.
• You will feel amazing.
• Your kids need you to be at your best mentally and physically to be around for them.

Still not motivated?

Find a close friend who will encourage you (or force you by any means necessary).  You won't be sorry.

Believe me, I'm not a fan of exercising.  I'm naturally thin...don't hate.

So I don't want to lose weight, but let's face it. Thin or not, over 40, it all jiggles unless you do some sort of cardio or weights.  So start.

It's good for your brain, your heart, and your bones.

Sleep

Sleep optimization is next.   Some people get down and sleep too much, and some barely sleep.  Find a balance.

Give yourself those hours where your brain can turn off and rest; it will help.

If you aren't getting enough sleep.

Force yourself really...to go to bed early.

If falling asleep is difficult, you can try a diffuser, a white noise app, music, or a weighted blanket like this one that helps with anxiety.

If you're sleeping too much, try to find another brain-numbing activity to substitute...binge television...funny shows, like this.

Laughter is good medicine.

In fact, anything funny is great.

Follow funny Instagram feeds.

Scroll just to laugh.  Pet accounts are great.  Who doesn't smile at dogs?

I unfollowed accounts that made me feel bad in any way.

Nothing against the accounts, for whatever reason, their posts were painful to me.  I can always follow them again later.

I added more that made me laugh, feel encouraged, or inspired.

Like @divorced_girl_smiling or at divorcedgirlsmiling.com, which has fabulous online resources, a podcast, and a book for surviving divorce.

Books

For more positive brain food...read, read, read.

Never mind marriage books right now, on how to win your spouse back.  Right now, it's how to get you back.

Find books that focus on just you.   

Here are some of the ones I read.

Now, this may sound like I am contradicting myself, but the books below are two of the best I've ever read.

Yes, they are marriage books, but there is so much focus on concentrating on you in these books that I have to include them here.

Regardless of the impact on your relationship, it WILL change your thinking.

Don't let the title scare you away.  It may sound old-fashioned, but if you really read it. Hear what she's saying with an open mind; she isn't saying what the title implies. It's letting go of trying to control people, things, and outcomes, not surrender to a spouse.

Learn how to take care of yourself, be accepting of help, compliments and being grateful even when things seem hopeless.

This isn't implying that your marriage going south is your fault.

It's about finding out who you are and where you want to go with your new life. In seven short years, I will most likely have an empty nest. Whether I'm in the same situation, single, or in a new relationship is irrelevant. What do I want my life to look like?

Maybe you know just who you are.  But I'm willing to bet that while being married, you lost something along the way.

Chances are, the longer you've been married and the older your children are, the more you may have lost.

The last time I was single, I was 17!  And I don't mean just a few years ago, I'm talking over 37 freaking years ago!

As in before #metoo.  Before internet match sites or the internet, even, ahem.    Before naked selfies. Yikes!

I don't want to date.

But I should get to know myself better.

 

What Do You Really Want In the Age of #GiveNoFucks?

This is what I do know.

• I am tired of compromising on everything. (something I did to myself like many other moms)
• I am tired of being tired. (What is that all about anyway?)
• I am tired of expecting someone else to do for me what I can do for myself. (Light that fire!)
• I am tired of saying yes when I really mean no. (Stop that shit!)
• More than half my life is already gone!
• I want to create a good life

So I have some goals to set and a focus.

9 Writing Manifestation Methods: How to Manifest What You Want Today

So get to know yourself better.

Start a journal. Journaling can be a way to get it all out.

How you're feeling and help you process all the changes happening.

Recall not just nighttime dreams, but remember those life dreams and goals you may have set aside.

Use a blank journal or buy one with prompts to help get you started if it's your first time.

Try meditating.

Learning to sit with yourself. To focus on just breathing. To close out all the outside (and inside) noise.

For beginners, it can seem awkward at first, but there are great apps that walk you through it if you haven't done it before.

I like Medito, Calm, and Headspace.

All of them have free versions. The paid version of Headspace has quite a few theme pack sessions focused on different aspects of life challenges, like relationships, sleep issues, and anxiety.

Nutrients

Part of taking care of yourself is good food.

I don't always mean healthy.  I know, I know.  But hear me out.

Right now the most important thing is consistent meals.

Eat what makes you feel good... within reason.

Don't overeat until you feel sick, and don't skip meals until you feel sick.

You can balance it out later, just keep it real for now.

And for heaven's sake, drink water, water, water. It helps sleep, mood, headaches, and more.

💼 Ready to take back the crown and handle the practical stuff too?
After you’ve caught your breath, there are some real-world pieces to line up — like money, paperwork, and next steps that actually move you forward.
👉 Here’s where to start when it’s time to get things in order.

🗣️2. Find a Therapist

Having someone to talk to that you don't know can do wonders.

Their job isn't to judge, just listen and guide.

💡Find a therapist who fits you
Don’t be afraid to test the waters with a few different therapists until you find someone who clicks. Some people do better with a direct, no-nonsense approach. Others need someone who’s softer and more laid-back. Gender might matter to you. Or it might not. It’s okay either way — we all connect with different people.

And no, therapy doesn’t have to be a lifelong commitment. Sometimes, just a few sessions to talk things through — with no interruptions, no judgment, and no one else’s feelings to manage — is exactly what you need to feel lighter.

When I talk about counseling in this post, I mean individual counseling. This is just for you.

Not sure where to start? Ask around — you’d be surprised how many of your friends already have someone they trust. You can also ask your doctor for a referral or check with your insurance provider.

This worksheet is perfect way to jot down any support resources. Psst, subscribers already have this in The Vault.

For me, after going 5 times, I found that for now, I had nothing else to say, I was just going round and round the same conversations.

What I really needed was to just talk out loud to someone who didn't know me or my family.

She would never see me socially, so it didn't matter what she thought of any of us, and her opinion was just another one to add to others to help me shape what I wanted to do.

For other people, they really need someone to talk to for a longer time. 

Someone to help them sort feelings, handle the baggage, new and old, and have someone hand-hold them throughout the entire process. 

That's okay too!  You have to do what works for you.

For people with depression, anxiety, abuse, self-esteem issues relating to their past, and a variety of other reasons some people will need more intensive therapy or possibly medication.

What anyone else would need or says you need doesn't matter.  It's about what YOU need.

✨On that note, don't let anyone tell you how you should feel. Every situation is unique because the person experiencing it makes it unique, regardless of the similarities.

This goes for kids too.

They may not show obvious signs of being bothered by your newly separated status.   Gender and age differences show signs in different ways.

Changes in mood, behavior, grades, appetite, and sleep are the most obvious.

Just because all of these appear to stay the same and they don't say anything doesn't mean they aren't affected.

😶‍🌫️10 Ways to Help a Teenager with Anxiety Today

It's a dramatic change in their life.

While they may have some relief if the level of tension is down because your spouse is out of the house, they still feel a loss.

One of the best things you can do is call your kids' guidance counselors. 

Tell them what's going on. Even before you tell the kids. Other people who are watching for any adverse behavior that stands out can offer that safety net.

Often the school will be where behaviors show up without you being aware. Guidance counselors can be on the frontlines as an alert system.

Not to use as therapists, but a quick fix if something pops up. Then if bigger problems begin, therapy could be implemented.

An unrelated incident could trigger the dam to burst

With tweens and teens writing back and forth in a notebook you leave on each other's pillow can be a great way to connect as well as share thoughts and feelings that may be difficult to voice.

🗨️3. Confide in close friends, even if it's just one

I wouldn't run and tell everyone, even if your spouse is a real jerk or you're sure divorce is around the corner.

Putting yourself out there for the gossip mill isn't going to help anyone no matter how tempting it may be to make him look like the bad guy.  Those types of actions only reflect on your character.

You may also have kids watching how you handle yourself. Do you really want to teach your kids revenge, bitterness, or pettiness?

Wouldn't you rather teach your kids resilience, self-respect, kindness, and forgiveness?  Grief or sadness, even anger are okay,  they just don't need to be played out in a negative way.

Being bitter or seeking revenge by humiliating people online or in public only hurts you in the long run.   

Not only can it hurt your chances of reconciling, but if you do get back together, altering others' opinions of both of you just makes things more difficult for no reason.

Practice a bit of grace and you will actually feel better.  This is one of the hardest steps.

However, snarky is very therapeutic, and that's where your friends come in.

One or two close friends.  The longer and closer the friendship the better.  They also have to be totally trustworthy to keep what you say between you.

Who can you call any day, any time?  Keep a list handy, and use this worksheet.

These are the friends that won't bat an eye when you say the nastiest of your thoughts, they'll even one-up it and make you laugh.

Goofing around and being petty with them is a safe haven to let it fly at its finest.  The worst and most horrible things you can come up with will not change your friend's opinion of you.

These are the friends that you can scream and cry with who won't judge you for hating, wanting revenge, giving up the relationship, or, just as importantly, stand by you if you get back together.

If you've held back with these friends before to protect the way you or your spouse is viewed, let it go now and watch that friendship go fathoms deeper.

You may even find out you have way more in common than before.

It really is true that you don't always know what's going on behind closed doors and you may be quite surprised to find people who are as unhappy as you.

Not that it's good that so many other people are unhappy, but there is a certain comfort in realizing so many people really are struggling and don't have all the answers to this adult shit either.

🥰4. Do Something Small for Yourself Every Week (or every day if you can)

Money has been tight here for years, but I am spending more on myself lately than usual.

Crazy, I know.  But listen, here's the thing.

Not taking care of myself was one of the many reasons my marriage broke down.  Always feeling like I should be last.  Always feeling the panic of scarcity.

So, back to making now about me, I'm just going for it. Not going nuts, though if you can...go for it, lol.

Here are some of the things I've done for myself, and some are free. It's not about money, it's about something for only you that makes you feel good.

• Used a gift card I already had for a massage. Legit had it for nearly a year. 🤦‍♀️
• Bought face cream for the dark spots on my face. No wrinkles, baby, but the giraffe spots need to go.
• Bought new slippers
• Meditation routine, including manifesting what I want
• Go out to lunch every week with my dad. His treat, thanks, Dad!
• Call, text, laugh (or cry) with those girlfriends.
• Candy stash for low moments.
• When work just isn't working, forced Netflix binge of non-kid-friendly shows.
• Plan a mini-makeover for my bedroom
• New makeup
• Declutter closet and kitchen drawers, okay, weird, but less clutter helps my mind and anxiety
• Read quotes that inspire self-confidence

Need more self-care ideas?

Get a list going and keep it where you can see it....use this

5. Find a Separation Support Group

This can be in person or online.  Facebook has great groups you can join.  Like all groups, they all have a different set of dynamics and sometimes, hopefully, rules.

Find one that works for you.

Make a list of potential groups.  Use this worksheet

I participate in The Adored Wife, run by author Laura Doyle, from the books I recommended above. And by participate, I really mean read posts.

If you are all for your separation, then this probably isn't for you.

But if you even think that you may want to get back on track, check it out.   It's women only.

Situations range everywhere from under one roof and struggling to divorced papers filed and hoping to reconcile.

Regardless, all the women support each other where they are in their journey, personal opinions aside.   Everyone is welcome, appreciated, and respected.

But this is far from the only group out there.    Groups based on lifestyle, faith, and other situations may be for you.

If these 5 tips seem like too much.  Try one tip at a time or one day at a time. Take the only one that resonates and throw the rest out. THIS REALLY IS ABOUT YOU.

For me, I jumped in with all of them.  And truly, after just a few weeks, I was amazed at how much better I felt. Not that I was perfectly fine, but that I could handle the situation however it went.

They were not only good distractions, but they also kept me focused on something other than the separation from my husband.

Realize that your feelings will change like New England weather.  Fast and often.  But that's normal.   Just keep focusing on one day at a time.

I wake up and say, out loud sometimes, ..." Okay, what do I need to do today?" Or right now.

And some days I realize that means that I go sit on the couch all day and watch tv.

Not an everyday thing for me usually, but I have allowed myself the grace to feel how I feel each day rather than fight it. It takes time.

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And as for love. Find love in you. Maybe for the first time.

If separation is happening to you, which it must be, or you wouldn't be here, much love to you from me... I see you.😘

✨ Healing is step one. Reclaiming your castle is next.
When you're ready to deal with the logistics (think: finances, living arrangements, must-do checklists), this post walks you through it with less stress and more strength.
➡️ Read: Practical Steps to Take After Separation

That's how I'm handling it.  Now it's your turn...what have you done or not done that would help someone else?  Let me know!

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